Sometimes its hard to find a sense of pride in my work, in the same way its hard to find a sense of pride in a public restroom. There’s a certain madness to how we live our lives, indescribable, but we are constantly immersed in it. I grapple with my job, I fight and fear to understand it.

Shoes clop on waxed floors, bags with zippers clink by, I read about an old man who can’t pay his rent. The coffee maker gurgles interrupting concentration. With narrow eyes it reminds me not to think too much today.

I nod my head, and continue to read about the old man. Coffee gets cold. So do I.

…you’re reading it right

I’m not really sure what I’m going to write about. I’m excited for a potential first documentary photography project. A real one. With real people. Not associated with academia. I need to get on that, phone calls to make. If it does go through, I’ll make sure and drop updates as often as I can. I might be changing up themes here. I really do like this one, but it isn’t as conducive to posting images as I’d like.

I have a boatload of photographs collecting dust in the corner of my hard drive. Its tedious, digging through them, weeding out and touching up. Its worth it though. Soon.

Coming back to my blog after so long, I had trouble finding the “Add New Post” option. It made me realize how life can get. Uninspired. Its easy to get bogged down with everything. Its non-stop attention grabbing. I’ve had a few days where if it weren’t for fast food, I wouldn’t have eaten. Squeezing in appointments and projects, dodging lifestyle hazards, just trying to keep up. It gets empty after a while. I could always find myself in writing. There’s really so much to be written. For now though, my brain is cramping from just squeezing out these few sentences. It has been too long indeed.

Alright, there, I wrote something. Now leave me alone.

this puppy was sad because I haven’t been around in so long.

So now I have to start writing again…I guess…

Pentax K-x does really well with video, for not being a video camera. Music is from the flash game Coma, the song is the theme Red Wind by Thomas Brush (whittyhobos) found here.

Today cameras are small, they are well understood and often misused. People understand their magnificence and fear their power to immortalize moments. Some of the greatest photos we will ever see have already passed and cameras have been given their stigma. Capturing an authentic image today is as hard as it has ever been.

This is part of why I stick with still life. Birds and trees do not recoil at the presence of the camera, their ignorance makes them easy. Capturing images of people holds a dire responsibility, one that I will not take lightly. Perhaps one day I’ll find that courage, but for the time being, trees and rocks are challenge enough for me.

The greatest photographer is no better than the cheapest camera.

View the rest here.

A man very much resembling a leprechaun approached my register. He wore a “Korean War Vet.” hat and a face to match. His beard was white and thin and his round face was worn well against the grind wheel of time. He was an incarnation of melancholy with big ears, round cheeks, and more history than I’m sure I’d like to know.

“How’re you doing tonight?” I asked in typical Dollar Tree cordiality.

“I’m getting by,” he replies, setting two dog bones on the counter. He managed a good fake smile, I was impressed. At this point it was so clear he was Irish, it was hard to believe he was real. After seeing almost half of Dollar Tree patrons wearing green it was nice to see someone who had a legitimate claim.

“You have some friends at home?” I asked, referring to the dog bones. With a small chuckle he replied “Yeah, two of ‘em.” That was all, no stories about them or typical dog-owner complaints. I began to wonder if he lived alone with his dogs.

I rung him up, he paid, I handed him his bag. “Have a good night!” For a split second his smile broke, his eyes began to well. With a quick downward glance he said with great determination “I’m going to try hard as hell.” With that he took his bag and left.

It caught me off guard, I didn’t know what to say. I had crashed. After he left I spent the rest of the night thinking about what he said. Sometimes its hard to watch other people live their lives, its hard not to know. The people who we should be most concerned about are those closest to us. Loneliness is the most terrible curse.

You can view the rest of the side-by-sides and the final edited versions here.